A Letter to Caregivers
Dear Caregiver,
Are you getting tired of reading articles about the need for caregivers to take care of themselves? Don’t you already know that as a caregiver you need to make time for yourself? Do all these “do-gooders” not realize how little time and energy you have to devote to self-care at this point in your loved one’s illness?
As a psychologist in private practice and the mother of someone who was actively psychotic, my schedule was once very busy. I get how impossible it seems to find time to nurture yourself. When demands are constantly staring you in the face, it is so easy to say I will meditate later, or tomorrow I will go for a long walk. Fantasies of good intentions may float around in your head but quickly disappear as soon as you open your eyes to the next claim for your attention. Truthfully, even though my son has recovered from schizophrenia and my professional demands lessened after I retired, making time for self-care can still be a struggle.
This says to me that self-care is very difficult for some to prioritize. Of course, it can be easy to ignore when your time feels solidly booked. Even when the time is available some people, especially caregivers, often put others’ needs before their own. While it is certainly admirable to have such a commitment, the question is - how can you be a caregiver when your physical and mental health are in jeopardy?
Physicians and psychologists have long known about the association between stress and health. Experiencing high levels of stress for long periods of time can compromise the immune system and make a person more vulnerable to illnesses. Many years ago, researchers created assessments to identify levels of stress. Susceptibility to illness was correlated with high levels of stress. In contrast, finding ways to lower stress has helped recovery. Those of us with loved ones coping with severe mental illness are aware that excessive stress can often trigger their symptoms. Clearly, we all need to manage our stress levels.
So what gets in the way of doing things that we know are good for us? For most caregivers, the answer may be two-fold: time and guilt. Being too busy is a big issue as is the idea that taking care of yourself will take away from the time you need to take care of someone else. These are not necessarily avoidance issues but real challenges that many caregivers face. Time is often limited and those you are helping are often dependent on your help. These issues are definitely not just in your imagination.
Fortunately, newer research is discovering that even short periods of meditation or exercise is healthier than not engaging in these activities at all. Meditating twice a day for twenty minutes at a time is ideal and may give you the best results, but even 5-minute breaks of deep breathing or mindfulness can be useful. Apps are available for even shorter “time-outs” that can give you the edge or perspective that you need to slow your heart rate and relax your body. Walking or doing yoga for 5 minutes may not have the same results as a 30-minute workout, but again it beats ignoring your body’s need to move and stretch. One thought that often motivates me to meditate or exercise is reminding myself that I seldom regret it afterward. No matter how short, meditating or exercising can feel good.
However, taking time to feel good may produce guilt. How can you relax when there is so much that you need to do? Guilt can be a looming factor for all of us. Self-care can seem so selfish when others need you, yet at the same time ignoring your own needs may make you a poor caregiver. In my book, Hope and Learning, Our Journey with Schizophrenia, I describe a time when my son’s illness was pushing me over the edge. I lost my patience and started yelling at him – something that was not helping the situation at all. Rather than yell back, he just stared at me and asked, “Mom are you still meditating?” That was a great reminder that if I wanted to be a helpful caregiver, I needed to care for myself too. You owe it to those you care for to be the best that you can be. No one who is dependent on your care needs to be worried that you are falling apart, or worse, that they are responsible for your distress. In other words, it is important to remember that sometimes being “selfish” can often be a way to be “selfless.” Balance is important.
If you have any questions or need support, please check out the resources on my website or feel free to contact me. If there is enough interest, I to plan start a Facebook community for caregivers who have loved ones with schizophrenia.
Linda