Building Resilience
Experiencing with any kind of illness whether physical or mental can tax our
energy and resources for coping with daily activities. Whether we are
recovering from Covid 19 or another debilitating physical condition, coping
with a mental illness, or feeling frustrated with the pandemic uncertainties, we
often reach a point when we feel out of control. Sometimes life feels like we
are driving a very large truck down a narrow mountain pass with no brakes.
Gaining control just doesn't seem possible. Where are those runaway truck
ramps when you need one?
Perhaps you have seen these truck ramps when driving in the mountains.
These uphill inclines rely on gravity to slow down out of control vehicles and
are often made of sand or some kind of friction to help as well. We can create
similar emergency measures for ourselves when our lives feel out of control.
That doesn't mean that we can necessarily eliminate the stressor but we can do
many things to protect ourselves against a disaster and build resilience to
withstand what life throws at us. For instance, when my son was diagnosed
with schizophrenia 22 years ago, my life felt like it had turned upside down.
The initial disbelief and despair was overwhelming. But something happened
internally that made me realize that somehow I needed to find some way to
maintain control.
Obviously I could not control his illness but I could help him find ways to
navigate and manage his symptoms. That was the first step: figuring out what he
and I could control and what we could not control. Getting help and trying to figure
out what medications and interventions were going to work for him redirected our
fears into action. Having a plan, even if it means trial and error, until something
works provides a sense of direction and hope. Positive action is better than being
overcome by anxiety and inertia.
This is true for most adversities. Finding ways to take action, get help or
treatment, develop a plan of action, even if it has to be modified on a regular
basis, is still better than rolling over and giving up. Even if the stressor is a war
on the other side of the world, there are things that you can do besides staying
glued to your news source. You can attend vigils, protest, send aid by money, food,
or blankets, share your concerns with friends and social media, and write to political
leaders. Find a way to offer support. Redirect your anxiety into action.
Another important step to create control in your life is to control your internal
responses to the stress. What you say to yourself can either send you down the
mountain pall mall or guide you to the runaway ramp. This is not the power of
positive thinking that is based on the idea that everything will be rosy if you just
think positive thoughts. Life would be so much easier if that were the case.
Useful self-talk needs to be reality-based. In my son's case, after his initial
diagnosis, my thoughts could have been dire and gloomy such as “This is
terrible. He will never be able to function.” That is not to say that I didn't think
that initially but rather than stay stuck I was able to change my thinking to,
“We can do the best we can to figure this out.” This ability to re-frame negative
thinking to something manageable does not deny the reality of your fears or
concerns. Recognizing the negativity in a situation rather than ignoring it, validates
your experiences which can then lead to the opportunity to figure out how to cope.
Another example of re-framing can be seen in response to disasters such as
hurricanes or tornadoes. Of course the results can be frightening and
devastating to victims and loved ones. To ignore that part would get in the way of
healing. What often happens following these kinds of events is the
outpouring of love and assistance from people across the country. As horrible
as a storm can be, it is always amazing to see so many caring and helpful
individuals respond with “boots on the ground” to help restore the community.
Focusing on those kinds of responses can be an important way to create
resilience.
Finding support from others during difficult times can also be helpful if these
supporters provide encouragement. Surrounding yourself with doomsayers at
this time in your life is a good way to stay stuck and depressed. Looking for
those who understand and also help you problem-solve can be especially
helpful. That is the kind of support that we received from our Family to Family
group through the National Alliance of Mental Illness after my son's first major
relapse. We found that joining a group of other family members experiencing
similar difficulties with mental illness was a good way to break the isolation
that we felt. We also were able to use the group and the information provided
by the leaders to identify ways to cope with our situation better.
Many groups are available for “survivors” of serious illnesses or psychological
traumas. As long as these groups give you both a chance to vent as well as
opportunities to create new responses to your situation, they can be helpful.
Individual psychotherapy can also be an important connection. Building
resilience can be aided by the comfort and kindness of others.
Rumi, a 13th century Persian poet said, “The wound is the place where the light
enters you.” When adversity strikes, we need to grieve. We also need to find
ways to heal and develop ways to cope. Accepting the event or trauma allows us
the opportunity to heal, to grow, and to cope.